Taxes - if only we all paid them.

Every year I promise myself that I won't wait until the final deadline before posting my tax returns on-line and every year, this one included, I do the same thing: panic.

So this weekend, the deadline, instead of sunning myself on some tropical island tax haven like all those chief executives of financial fraud shops, I mean our respected captains of commerce, I shall be here in Lewes, UK,  rummaging around for documents and getting into the usual mix of frustration and bad temper.

So don't expect to see much of me, I am sorting out my figures to help pay off Britain's massive deficit - the one that was caused by those very same men who are sunning themselves in tax havens. Thanks guys - for nothing!

Shame - a shamelessly honest movie that's about much more than sex.

SHAME (Cert. 18) ****

Starring: Michael Fassbender, Carey Mulligan, James Badge Dale

Director: Steve McQueen

Brandon Sullivan (Michael Fassbender) enjoys sex - well,  he's addicted to sex and just can't get enough of it. Luckily he lives on his own and can do whatever he fancies. It's a shame then when his sister Sissy (Carey Mulligan) comes to stay.





They say:

"Brave, beautifully acted and emotionally revealing - an early strong contender for the most provocative and compelling film of the year." Empire Magazine

"No one will fail to find, in this strange, disturbing jewel, some reflecting facet of himself or herself." Financial Times

"A giant yawn that proves once again that sex as a cinematic subject is one colossal turn-off".  Daily Express

"The genitals are exposed while the motivations are mysterious in 'Shame,' an elegantly composed but overwrought film about a man who wants to f(ornicate) away the pain."  Commercial Appeal

Wolfie says:

One thing for sure, there is plenty of sex in this movie. Nothing is hidden as far as nudity is concerned so you are kept well-informed about what is going on in that particular department. Full marks then to Michael Fassbender as the sexually active Brandon Sullivan and to Carey Mulligan as his equally uninhibited sister. They both manage to stay painfully in character even when they are uncompromisingly naked. This is not a pornographic movie - far from it - the more Brandon does it, the more you wish he could stop. Someone should take him home for a nice cup of tea and some cherry cakes, poor man, because sex for him is a compulsion and ultimately an agony just like any other addiction. When the moment, er, comes in a scene with two prostitutes, Fassbender's face, shot in close up, must be the most anguished expression of orgasm in the history of cinema.

Sexual addiction is a serious subject, definitely not the subject matter for a titillating movie and director Steve McQueen, treats the issues with respect whilst, mercifully, not including a single earnest psychotherapist, caring social worker or human resources officer anywhere in the drama. This is a movie with long silences, heavy breathing and lingering shots of faces - aroused, bemused and in pain often set to music with the equally anguished Glenn Gould playing Bach. The New York subway is one of the co-stars, intercutting its solitary commuter melancholy with scenes in Brandon's fastidiously ordered bachelor apartment and his soulless but stylish office. The subway moments are shot through with crotch-hungry looks, melancholy daydreams and, ultimately, the loneliness of crowded places.

Michael Fassbender exposes more than you see in a performance that dominates every shot - finding facial muscles for even the subtlest of mood changes and, often as substitutes for the minimal dialogue, he creates a depth of character that says more than is written.

He is not just a moody guy though just as the movie is not all sturm und drang. We are shown just what he is missing when he lightens up for Miss Normal, the highly eligible and wise Marianne from the office (Nicole Beharie) on a date that promises commitment. The scene in the restaurant where both Brandon and Marianne have no interest in the menu is enlivened further by a winning performance from the hapless but enthusiastic waiter (Robert Montano).

This movie has an epic cast of eloquent minor and non-speaking characters who populate the side streets, bedrooms and late night trains on Brandon's long descent into Hell. None is more expressive than the woman credited as Woman On Subway Train (Lucy Walters) -  her agent will have to work hard to make this role sound as impressive as it was - we could feel the windows on that train steaming up.

Carey Mulligan as the neurotic erotic Sissy is from her first appearance an accident waiting to happen and she never disappoints. Her finest moment is her dangerously slow rendition of the classic song New York New York where she delivers each word as if it were a lightly-sucked olive from the driest of dry martinis.

So not a film for a first date maybe - it will give you much to think about but you will both want an early night and a comforting mug of cocoa.

The Pope and the sounds of silence

"Silence is a precious commodity" ... in a world with a ...."surcharge of stimuli and data."

The Pope

I don't usually agree with the Pope but he struck a chord with me today - well, a silent chord, a lost chord even.

Listen to the man:

"It is often in silence that we observe the most authentic communication taking place between people in love: gestures, facial expressions and body language are signs by which they reveal themselves to each other."

The Artist

It was brought home to me, the importance of silence between people when I went to see that wonderful film The Artist this week - the movie that says so much whilst remaining silent.

I didn't feel entirely damned by His Holiness' further remarks either. Apparently he is well clued in to the World of the internet and doesn't see it as a modern curse like so many traditionalists do. I doubt if he has accessed these pages yet - maybe one day he will honour the Wolf with his presence.

"In our time, the internet is becoming ever more a forum for questions and answers – indeed, people today are frequently bombarded with answers to questions they have never asked and to needs of which they were unaware...Attention should be paid to the various types of websites, applications and social networks which can help people today to find time for reflection and authentic questioning, as well as making space for silence."

I thought I would support the idea and offer you all a few moments of, well if not complete silence then a tranquil atmosphere for you to contemplate whatever you will in silence or just without talking at least.

It feels very silent here today, sitting here at my computer with the glorious song from a blackbird sitting outside my window. Have a listen - and if you don't want to just take my word for it, or the Pope's, scroll down and listen to Simon and Garfunkel's take on the same idea. Thanks to however put up the lyrics - I'm sure the Pope will forgive the spelling.

Peace be with you!

Lana Del Rey and her tigers - food for thought.

I know it's not a good idea to keep large cats as pets - they don't really like living away from the wild, they get suspicious of women in furs, prefer to catch their food on the run to shopping at even the classiest of delicatessens and, so I am told, they like to spray everything in urine even if you get them neutered. So tempting though this photograph might be - so redolent of a more elegant but maybe crueler age - it's best to let wild animals live their own lives out there in those wild places.

The same is probably true when you are making very sexy pop videos. the  temptation is there again....and those tigers look fantastic but, there are so few of them left now in the wild that we really should be encouraging the World to make enough room for them in their own natural environment.

Lana Del Rey

So, moan over, now take a look at this video from the delectable and very stylish new star, Lana Del Rey - she struggles to dominate the shots she shares with the tigers but she makes a fine job of the rest of the movie.  Her song is called Born To Die and its taken from her debut album -  released next week. I love it.

My reading list of unsuitable books

I am waiting for a new book to be delivered - it's irritating when you have just finished your old one and you are not sure if you should hang on one more day for the postman or if you should start something else and then find the book you want to read arriving the next day. So many problems I know when you just want to spend some down time with a good yarn!

Well, that book still hasn't arrived so I thought I would have a look through some old and, as yet, unread titles from my trash pile.

I don't think even Lorraine Peterson's Anybody Can Be Cool can left me into that elite circle and if the guy on the cover is anything to go by, I think I would rather stay as I am. Awesome is tempting though....hmm...I wonder.

Now this is promising if you aren't squeamish...

...handy in an emergency perhaps but I wouldn't advice putting it in your back pocket if you are going down the pub. It's not really very likely that I would put a sign on my front door advertising this even if I did learn how to do it.

The next book could be taken the wrong way if you were seen reading it on the bus too.

I wonder how quickly that mind power works - it would be embarrassing if you could get your breasts to grow enormous in seconds....supposing you used too much mind power, could you use a little less and reduce them a bit? Could you use mind power to increase the size of other people's breasts too? Only wondering. Actually I don't want to have big breasts, honestly.


Maybe I should read this one...

I know a few pets and a load of people I wouldn't mind building one of these for - I'd be tempted to go around with a tape measure just in case.

It would be a handy read too if the next book didn't work.

A horse coffin would be something you would have to build to I suspect but this might be even less useful than the gynecology book as I don't have a horse - actually I don't have even a hint of an inkling for either.

now this one is a non-starter....well it's obvious isn't it....

....just get out of the way or, better still, don't ever go out in a little boat.

The next book is out of the question too - it is just disgusting.....yuck....just imagine!

I assume the next one is action-packed porn....

The cover guy doesn't look like much of a double penetrator. The two people behind him don't look too thrilled by the idea either. Maybe it's the moustache that's putting them off.

Now if it has to be porn, the next one might be a better read....

If the innocent young woman on the cover, the one with the plunging neckline and no knickers, is looking for a husband who isn't just after a good time, then maybe she should move her knee away from his crotch. I blame it all on her mother of course...just look at the way she's smoking that cigarette -  the slut.

I think I will choose White Trash though because I want to find out about the mother and there is only one book left on my pile.  I sure ain't going to read this:

Hang on a minute, is that the postman?

The Artist - everyone has to see this movie.

THE ARTIST ( Cert. PG) *****

Starring: Jean Dujardin, Bérénice Bejo, John Goodman, Uggi
Director: Michel Hazanavinius
Running Time: 100 minutes

It is Hollywood and it's 1927. It is the era of silent movies and George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) is its biggest star. Audiences adore both him and his best friend, his equally charismatic canine co-star (Uggi).

Can he survive in the new world of the Talkies or will his star fade just as quickly as young hopeful Peppy Miller's rises (Bérénice Bejo)?  What do you think? 

They say:

"Yes, it's virtually silent, it's black-and-white, and you might not know the leads. But if you don't take a chance on this film, we can't be friends any more". Chicago Sun-Times

""The Artist" is the wonder of the age, as much a miracle as "Avatar," though it comes at things from the totally opposite direction". Los Angeles Times

"The ending had me on my feet cheering throughout the final credits. I can't wait to see it again". The Guardian

"The Artist encapsulates everything we go to movies for: action, laughs, tears and a chance to get lost in another world. How can Oscar resist? " Rolling Stone


Wolfie says:


This truly wonderful film really is silent, well almost, and it really is in black and white but, for me it out busts any of the big colourful, multi-dimensional and noisy block-busters of recent times. Director Michel Hazanavinius obviously knows and loves those movies from Hollywood's first golden era - he loves those old movies so much that he has made his own but not just as a copy or a pastiche, he has made a great film using the language of another time maybe but with all the wit, irony and panache of a great 21st century director doffing his hat to his ancestors. Don't mistake this for just a bit of nostalgia, it is a masterpiece in the art of film-making. Just look out for that whisky spilt on a glass table top, the sequence where George Valentin sees his reflection in a shop window or the many wrily humourous games played with old cinema conventions best remembered in Singin' In The Rain, Zorro or The Thin Man.

You don't need to know anything about Errol Flyne, Douglas Fairbanks Jnr, William Powell, Gene Kelly or any of the other vintage Hollywood stars to see just what this film is about - it takes all those familiar stories lines, sends them up, delights in them and gives them a gentle European twist that comes from pure affection and a profound understanding. In the end, it is the director's mastery of cinema techniques from the long history of film that makes this more than just a charming diversion, it makes it a champagne celebration.

Jean Dujardin

Jean Dujardin was born for his role and fills the largest of silver screens with slap-stick flair, swashbluckling zing,  electric charm, acrobatic energy and heaps of pathos found deep below the surface of his wonderfully superficial character, the unstoppable George Valentin. There aren't enough awards to reward his achievement here.

Bérénice Bejo

Bérénice Bejo not only matches him, literally, step by step but has the kind of face that the movie camera was invented to film. The real world isn't big enough for that widest of grins but up there on the screen, there is never any doubt about her star quality.

The film shouldn't be big enough for more than two stars of this calibre you may well think but up there with his two human colleagues, is Uggi the dog. His acting skills demand the introduction of a new category in all those film awards ceremonies: Best Dog In A Leading Role.

Uggi

Uggi is not just cute - he is truly brilliant - out-performing his great predecessors Lassie and Rin Tin Tin but looking back with homage to his only possible equal the delightful Asta (Skippy) from The Thin Man (1934)

Asta (Skippy) with co-stars William Powell and Myrna Loy

If I sound enthusiastic about this movie it is because it is an unmissable delight and that really does mean that you are not allowed to miss it.

Washing Up Weekend - what fun!

I am still waiting for a new dishwasher after my last one decided to pack it in after a decade of mind-numbing washing up duties. Who can blame it? Washing up, regardless of what I said yesterday, can be exceedingly tedious.

It may have a negative effect of people's personalities too.

I am not sure if it is the bubbles or some secret ingredient in Fairy Liquid washing up liquid but after doing some intense research into advertisements for the said product, I have been shaken by the extreme psychological damage that it can produce on both adults and young children.

Apparently quite normal women turn into simpering morons after being exposed to this liquid on a daily basis and, even worse, children become extra annoying, cloying and, well yes, just plain stupid too.

Be warned - whatever you do, keep away from this kitchen hazard, it can seriously effect your sanity.

Here are some of those adverts from the 1960s and 70s - it may be a British phenomenon but watch carefully, these people are very very disturbed and, another warning, they talk funny too. I hope I survive until the new dishwasher comes.

Etta James (1938-2012)

After all that simper, I just had to end with something a whole lot tougher - what better than marking the sad passing on Friday of the great Blues singer Etta James, now there was a real woman, singing "I Just Wanna Make Love To You" - I hope all those little washing up ad kids get to hear it.